One of the expectations I thought I had let go of a long time ago was that becoming aware of a shadow pattern would “resolve” or “fix” it, and that it would never show up again. I have learned to accept that this is not how it always works. Through my JournaLogue practice I have let go of the idea that I can “finally resolve” an issue. All I can do is learn from the way something shows up for me now, and stay curious about what might come next. 

And still, when an old pattern shows up yet again, it is not easy to accept it and to be with it, nor is it easy to be with what I am invited to become aware of through this experience.

This past week brought back something I dealt with intensely quite a while back—something I had hoped I had let go of: a sense of overwhelm, and my various reactions to it.

Here’s a section of my JournaLogue about it:

Me: What was wrong with me yesterday. I felt so stressed. Why do I feel so overwhelmed?

SABOTEUR: Because you are trying to do things perfectly.

Me: Really? My driver for perfection is getting in the way – again? I can’t believe it!

SABOTEUR: Yes.  Breathe. And yes, you have a lot on your plate at the moment, but the sense of overwhelm doesn’t help you to get it done any better or faster. What is the source of your overwhelm?

Me: I have a hard time focusing my attention on this question – it triggers a lot of frustration. 

SABOTEUR: Breathe! 

Me: Thank you – that helps. I can now feel a very old belief showing up. It’s the belief that my being present with what is needed now will slow me down and make everything worse. 

LOVE: Come and sit with me. Let me hold you. Take a moment to let your sense of connection to self, other and all expand.

Me: (with tears in my eyes) Thank you, LOVE! I needed that. And now I am aware that I have not been doing my own practice. I have not been aware of the trigger. The sense of overwhelm is a trigger, a signal, and it is pointing me towards my old pattern of perfectionism. There is still more for me to learn about it.

SABOTEUR: Take a closer look. There might be something new there for you to learn.

Me: LOVE helped me see how my overwhelm is a trigger that is pointing me towards my pattern of perfectionism and – yes, there is something else – it has to do with not being done in time. There is the time factor again. Another old pattern. It shows up in the sentences “I don’t have enough time” and “It all takes me so long”. That’s where the blaming part comes in. I am blaming myself for taking too long for all of this – how I “should” be able to do all this much faster. SABOTEUR, I need help with this.

SABOTEUR: I feel for you. Begin with seeing the two patterns as connected. Not enough time means you think you don’t have enough time to get things done in the time necessary. And then, deeper down, there is this other belief: it is you blaming yourself for taking too long for everything. It’s a catch.

Me: I can feel this catch now. It’s a big heavy lump in my gut. I will explore this lump further through my practice here with you all.

Seeing my pattern of blaming myself for something I thought I had let go of a long time ago humbles me, and at the same time fills me with gratitude. It reminds me that I can keep learning to love myself in new ways. 

Currently I am spending a lot of time with my LOVE, letting her hold me and communicating with her. I do that not only during my JournaLogue sessions, but at any time during the day—when taking a break, eating, drinking, moving, breathing, or just doing nothing. There’s always time for it. That’s my most present practice these days.

When I began to see how consistent this pattern had been in my life, my CREATIVITY helped me develop something I call the Presence Board. I used PostIt notes and drew colorful place holders for each project that I was working on, then stuck those notes on a wall close to where I normally did my work. Every time I began to work, I made a conscious decision about where I would guide my energy and for how long. I then put that note in the space called “presence”, and made sure nothing would distract me from doing what was needed for that project for the dedicated time. 

That meant closing all browsers on my laptop, turning off all sounds and notifications on my devices, having a drink handy, and setting my timer.

When the time was over, I went back to my Presence Board, sensed into what wanted my attention, and made a conscious decision for what was up next. The notes didn’t only include my work tasks and projects, but also things like “Walking”, “Doing Nothing”, “Listening” (to audio books or podcasts), and others.

Eventually this practice turned into a habit that hugely increased my presence as I went through the day, from start, just after my morning practice, to end, with a conscious decision to fully step into sleep time.

At the beginning of this week, I found myself in a state of utter turmoil every time I began my JournaLogue session. It seemed that many things wanted to be explored in parallel, and I had a really hard time deciding which energy to follow. I asked my Inner Support Team for help, but every time I felt I had a sense of what was up for that session my head went off on its own journey again.

On Wednesday, when I could finally turn my full attention to my CREATIVITY, she helped me. She reminded me of my Presence Board and suggested I develop a somewhat similar practice for the times when I feel this turmoil in my JournaLogue practice. I wrote down everything that was in my head, everything that I felt wanted to be seen at the same time. After doing this, my entire system calmed down. Everything was seen and heard. This was such a relief. Then, together with my LOVE and POWER, I felt I could explore which of the topics I wanted to focus on. LOVE asked, “what are you going to love doing now?”. Once I decided, POWER said, “I’m here with you. Let’s all hold the space for what wants to emerge”.

Over time, I have repeatedly experienced these days of unrest and turmoil in my JournaLogue practice. I used to feel that those were days where I simply couldn’t focus, and when things would have to wait. I must admit that I always felt a little bit disappointed with myself when that happened. I judged myself for not being able to dive into the practice.

After this week, I can see my experience in a totally different way. The unrest and turmoil are pointing me toward the need to make what I now call a pit stop: to allow everything that is going on for me to surface, capture it, and enjoy the feeling that everything important is being seen. Then, I can make a loving and powerful decision to turn my attention to what is needed now.

Me: I am afraid of forgetting what I experienced here. How can I make sure to integrate all the wonderful insights I have here? It is so much!

INNER WISDOM: Trust.

Me: I understand. And at the same time, I feel that everything, or better every single one of these insights feels so big to me, so important and I want to explore them all in full detail, but that is what makes it feel so big. I just saw again that I have already forgotten most of what I found this week and yet there was so much that felt important to me.

INNER WISDOM: You don’t own these insights – they flow through you – that is enough.

Me: I just realized how I have been holding my insights: once I have these insights, they are something I “need” to integrate.

INNER WISDOM: Listen to LOVE.

LOVE: You are setting those high expectations on yourself again. Each of the conversations flow through you and as you very well know everything comes back at its own time. Now breathe … and trust.

And here it was again—my old pattern of setting high expectations for myself. The rest of the week, my JournaLogue sessions were about this specific pattern and why it keeps coming back. My SABOTEUR had a lot to say about it.

Me: I really thought that I had let go of my pattern of high expectations towards myself. 

SABOTEUR: Really? How about you come and sit with me? Sense into what might be up for you next. What is the source of your expectations?

Me: I’m not sure – it has something to do with trust, just like INNER WISDOM and LOVE have pointed out. Why am I missing trust … There! I just heard a voice and I don’t know where it came from. It said two words only: “The outcome”. I get it and that too isn’t new to me: I am expecting a good outcome, whatever that may be.

Once again I could see how old patterns sometimes need to come back and show us that there is more to learn. In my case this week I needed to be reminded again how my fear of forgetting my insights of the JournaLogue was connected to my expectations of (and with that my attachment to) “good outcomes” of my insights. And, how these expectations are grounded in a lack of trust in the process of my own practice. 

I am so grateful for yet another “loop” into old patterns.

When I finally returned to my Sacred Space for a JournaLogue session, I became aware of a familiar feeling of unease. I addressed this in my dialogue with my INNER WISDOM and asked for help to understand where the unease came from. 

As so often, instead of answering my request for help, my INNER WISDOM asked me questions in return. “What is it you need help with?”, INNER WISDOM asked, and “Where in your body is the feeling of unease located?” “What is the unease telling you?”.

I answered each question with a fairly long explanation. While writing, I became aware that I was completely stuck in my head. I was thinking up the answers, instead of being present with the unknown and allowing for the emergence of whatever answers and help would arise. 

It’s not unusual when this happens to me. It’s part of my process: I begin at the surface and eventually become aware that it is time to go deeper. 

Every time I go through this, I admire my INNER WISDOM for its patience. I remember times when I blamed myself for being stuck in my head. With the help of my INNER WISDOM, I eventually could let go of this pattern of “blaming and shaming” myself—or so I thought.

This time, my head held me captivated for an unusually long time, so my INNER WISDOM decided to help me by drawing my attention to what was actually going on for me:

IW: You’re not asking for help. You’re asking for permission!

I was stunned. Really? Was I really asking for permission? Why? For what? From whom?

I needed to unpack each of those questions, and in the end I could hardly believe what I found out: somewhere, deep down, I was still holding on to the parental dynamic of asking for permission. 

A long time ago in my JournaLogue practice I learned that I was holding a pattern as part of my need to be seen, heard, and accepted. My pattern was to ask questions that implicitly would help me understand what was right for the other person and that would help me behave in a way that would get the other person’s approval. My implicit question was, “Are you ok with me doing …?”. I was completely unaware of how this permission-seeking disconnected me from being who I truly was.

After a lot of reflecting and experimenting, and often failing, I started letting go of this pattern with people I am in relationship with—first and foremost my parents, but also friends, colleagues, and other people in my life. I had opportunities to challenge this pattern with just about anyone with whom I had a meaningful relationship. It was quite a journey, and I honestly thought until recently that my work in this area was done.

And yet—here I was again. 

I am happy to say that this time it didn’t take me very long to see what I was actually doing. After my INNER WISDOM so clearly pointed me toward what wanted to be explored, here’s what I found:

After letting go of asking others for permission, I had turned that pattern inward. In a very subtle way, I had turned my INNER WISDOM into a parental figure, from whom I needed permission. I wanted my IW to see me as a “good girl”, and when I dropped out of my JournaLogue routine my old energy of being a “naughty girl” showed up from my shadow.

I had a great time with my Inner Support Team about this. Here’s a part of my JournaLogue:

LOVE: “No matter what, you can still explore with curiosity, joy, and ease. It’s an exploration! You already know that it can be joyful to learn about yourself and the opportunity to understand, to see, to become aware and integrate. Even when you are exploring pain, you can become a witness, you don’t have to make it all so hard and serious. Learn – that’s what your curiosity is all about. Feel the joy of seeing and feeling – of becoming aware with ease.”

I love my Inner Support Team for helping me to not only see the hard and painful side of things, but also to laugh about myself and not to always take myself so terribly seriously. 

That helps so much. Thank you to my entire Inner Support Team!

In the past I have had very many conversations with LILY. These have taken me through all possible emotions, from despair and deep sadness to joy and laughing out loud. These conversations have even inspired me to interrupt my journaling with dancing and singing. I love LILY dearly.

I know, of course, that there is always more to learn from each of my Inner Support Team members. No matter how much I have already learned from them, my experience has shown me that in new circumstances old patterns often show up again and guide me to see something more.

The dialogue with my Abandoned Child was triggered this time by an old pattern of low self-esteem. This has manifested itself in my relationship with money again and again through my life. The pattern is grounded in lack of self-worth, stemming from a sense of being unwanted and unworthy of love and care—of being emotionally abandoned—as a small child.  Thankfully, I have learned much about this pattern already and can therefore bring curiosity and relative ease to the exploration of what shows up.

The main learning I took from this week’s JournaLogue with LILY feels profound to me, and the best way for me to share it with you is by copying the core part of my dialogue into today’s blog:

Me: Here it is again – the doubt about whether what comes into the world through me is needed.

LILY: It is the deepest wound you are carrying. 

Me: The wound is from the sense of not being wanted. After all we have already explored, is that really still present?

LILY: Of course it is still present. You already know that it is not just a painful issue, but that it has been one of your main sources of energy that has been driving your life and a lot of what you have achieved. And you also know that you can shift this energy by seeing how it is not about the question of being wanted or not. This question represents the pattern that sometimes lays itself over your inner perception like a veil. It is keeping you from connecting to your unique place in consciousness, your soul. 

Remember – a wound is a crack, a portal. A portal into deeper wisdom and knowing.

Me: Let me put in my words what I just heard you say: Through embracing my wounds, they can become soft and open up to turn into portals that allow the light of my soul to shine through.

LILY: Yes. That is the learning you have been offered today.

Later that week, my LOVE reminded me of an insight I had a long time ago: “Only what you love can heal.” Connecting that with this week’s JournaLogue, I can see even better how embracing my wounds means loving them and integrating them as inseparable parts of me. They then become portals through which I can see more of my soul. This gives me a wonderful perspective on what healing can mean to me.