I have traveled a lot lately, and that always interrupts my routines—including my JournaLogue practice. Despite my many years of practice, I still have to spend a little time getting over myself in order to find my way back into routine.
When I finally returned to my Sacred Space for a JournaLogue session, I became aware of a familiar feeling of unease. I addressed this in my dialogue with my INNER WISDOM and asked for help to understand where the unease came from.
As so often, instead of answering my request for help, my INNER WISDOM asked me questions in return. “What is it you need help with?”, INNER WISDOM asked, and “Where in your body is the feeling of unease located?” “What is the unease telling you?”.
I answered each question with a fairly long explanation. While writing, I became aware that I was completely stuck in my head. I was thinking up the answers, instead of being present with the unknown and allowing for the emergence of whatever answers and help would arise.
It’s not unusual when this happens to me. It’s part of my process: I begin at the surface and eventually become aware that it is time to go deeper.
Every time I go through this, I admire my INNER WISDOM for its patience. I remember times when I blamed myself for being stuck in my head. With the help of my INNER WISDOM, I eventually could let go of this pattern of “blaming and shaming” myself—or so I thought.
This time, my head held me captivated for an unusually long time, so my INNER WISDOM decided to help me by drawing my attention to what was actually going on for me:
IW: You’re not asking for help. You’re asking for permission!
I was stunned. Really? Was I really asking for permission? Why? For what? From whom?
I needed to unpack each of those questions, and in the end I could hardly believe what I found out: somewhere, deep down, I was still holding on to the parental dynamic of asking for permission.
A long time ago in my JournaLogue practice I learned that I was holding a pattern as part of my need to be seen, heard, and accepted. My pattern was to ask questions that implicitly would help me understand what was right for the other person and that would help me behave in a way that would get the other person’s approval. My implicit question was, “Are you ok with me doing …?”. I was completely unaware of how this permission-seeking disconnected me from being who I truly was.
After a lot of reflecting and experimenting, and often failing, I started letting go of this pattern with people I am in relationship with—first and foremost my parents, but also friends, colleagues, and other people in my life. I had opportunities to challenge this pattern with just about anyone with whom I had a meaningful relationship. It was quite a journey, and I honestly thought until recently that my work in this area was done.
And yet—here I was again.
I am happy to say that this time it didn’t take me very long to see what I was actually doing. After my INNER WISDOM so clearly pointed me toward what wanted to be explored, here’s what I found:
After letting go of asking others for permission, I had turned that pattern inward. In a very subtle way, I had turned my INNER WISDOM into a parental figure, from whom I needed permission. I wanted my IW to see me as a “good girl”, and when I dropped out of my JournaLogue routine my old energy of being a “naughty girl” showed up from my shadow.
I had a great time with my Inner Support Team about this. Here’s a part of my JournaLogue:
LOVE: “No matter what, you can still explore with curiosity, joy, and ease. It’s an exploration! You already know that it can be joyful to learn about yourself and the opportunity to understand, to see, to become aware and integrate. Even when you are exploring pain, you can become a witness, you don’t have to make it all so hard and serious. Learn – that’s what your curiosity is all about. Feel the joy of seeing and feeling – of becoming aware with ease.”
I love my Inner Support Team for helping me to not only see the hard and painful side of things, but also to laugh about myself and not to always take myself so terribly seriously.
That helps so much. Thank you to my entire Inner Support Team!
