Expectations & Trust

This week my INNER WISDOM challenged me. I had fallen into lamenting about my fear of “forgetting” important insights from my JournaLogue sessions. Repeatedly, when going back to re-read my JournaLogue, I found myself rediscovering insights that I had intended to integrate into my daily life, but that had completely slipped my mind. Here’s a section of my JournaLogue about this:

Me: I am afraid of forgetting what I experienced here. How can I make sure to integrate all the wonderful insights I have here? It is so much!

INNER WISDOM: Trust.

Me: I understand. And at the same time, I feel that everything, or better every single one of these insights feels so big to me, so important and I want to explore them all in full detail, but that is what makes it feel so big. I just saw again that I have already forgotten most of what I found this week and yet there was so much that felt important to me.

INNER WISDOM: You don’t own these insights – they flow through you – that is enough.

Me: I just realized how I have been holding my insights: once I have these insights, they are something I “need” to integrate.

INNER WISDOM: Listen to LOVE.

LOVE: You are setting those high expectations on yourself again. Each of the conversations flow through you and as you very well know everything comes back at its own time. Now breathe … and trust.

And here it was again—my old pattern of setting high expectations for myself. The rest of the week, my JournaLogue sessions were about this specific pattern and why it keeps coming back. My SABOTEUR had a lot to say about it.

Me: I really thought that I had let go of my pattern of high expectations towards myself. 

SABOTEUR: Really? How about you come and sit with me? Sense into what might be up for you next. What is the source of your expectations?

Me: I’m not sure – it has something to do with trust, just like INNER WISDOM and LOVE have pointed out. Why am I missing trust … There! I just heard a voice and I don’t know where it came from. It said two words only: “The outcome”. I get it and that too isn’t new to me: I am expecting a good outcome, whatever that may be.

Once again I could see how old patterns sometimes need to come back and show us that there is more to learn. In my case this week I needed to be reminded again how my fear of forgetting my insights of the JournaLogue was connected to my expectations of (and with that my attachment to) “good outcomes” of my insights. And, how these expectations are grounded in a lack of trust in the process of my own practice. 

I am so grateful for yet another “loop” into old patterns.