Perfection & Overwhelm

In one of my earlier blogs I shared about “Expectations and Trust” and how my expectations often get in my way of accepting what is. 

One of the expectations I thought I had let go of a long time ago was that becoming aware of a shadow pattern would “resolve” or “fix” it, and that it would never show up again. I have learned to accept that this is not how it always works. Through my JournaLogue practice I have let go of the idea that I can “finally resolve” an issue. All I can do is learn from the way something shows up for me now, and stay curious about what might come next. 

And still, when an old pattern shows up yet again, it is not easy to accept it and to be with it, nor is it easy to be with what I am invited to become aware of through this experience.

This past week brought back something I dealt with intensely quite a while back—something I had hoped I had let go of: a sense of overwhelm, and my various reactions to it.

Here’s a section of my JournaLogue about it:

Me: What was wrong with me yesterday. I felt so stressed. Why do I feel so overwhelmed?

SABOTEUR: Because you are trying to do things perfectly.

Me: Really? My driver for perfection is getting in the way – again? I can’t believe it!

SABOTEUR: Yes.  Breathe. And yes, you have a lot on your plate at the moment, but the sense of overwhelm doesn’t help you to get it done any better or faster. What is the source of your overwhelm?

Me: I have a hard time focusing my attention on this question – it triggers a lot of frustration. 

SABOTEUR: Breathe! 

Me: Thank you – that helps. I can now feel a very old belief showing up. It’s the belief that my being present with what is needed now will slow me down and make everything worse. 

LOVE: Come and sit with me. Let me hold you. Take a moment to let your sense of connection to self, other and all expand.

Me: (with tears in my eyes) Thank you, LOVE! I needed that. And now I am aware that I have not been doing my own practice. I have not been aware of the trigger. The sense of overwhelm is a trigger, a signal, and it is pointing me towards my old pattern of perfectionism. There is still more for me to learn about it.

SABOTEUR: Take a closer look. There might be something new there for you to learn.

Me: LOVE helped me see how my overwhelm is a trigger that is pointing me towards my pattern of perfectionism and – yes, there is something else – it has to do with not being done in time. There is the time factor again. Another old pattern. It shows up in the sentences “I don’t have enough time” and “It all takes me so long”. That’s where the blaming part comes in. I am blaming myself for taking too long for all of this – how I “should” be able to do all this much faster. SABOTEUR, I need help with this.

SABOTEUR: I feel for you. Begin with seeing the two patterns as connected. Not enough time means you think you don’t have enough time to get things done in the time necessary. And then, deeper down, there is this other belief: it is you blaming yourself for taking too long for everything. It’s a catch.

Me: I can feel this catch now. It’s a big heavy lump in my gut. I will explore this lump further through my practice here with you all.

Seeing my pattern of blaming myself for something I thought I had let go of a long time ago humbles me, and at the same time fills me with gratitude. It reminds me that I can keep learning to love myself in new ways. 

Currently I am spending a lot of time with my LOVE, letting her hold me and communicating with her. I do that not only during my JournaLogue sessions, but at any time during the day—when taking a break, eating, drinking, moving, breathing, or just doing nothing. There’s always time for it. That’s my most present practice these days.